doctorlit: (Default)
Author's Note: Protectors of the Plot Continuum was founded by Jay and Acacia, and I write in their universe with permission.

Original post is here. I apologize in advance for this. G rated. Unbetad.

* * *

"Back!" Vania called as she stepped through the portal. "The HFA staff dude was way too excited to give these Muggle-use wands away, so I'm pretty sure they're going to cause some horrible problem at the worst possible time!"

"So, the same as everything else we use on missions, then."

"Oh, yes."

"At least we're being consistent, then." Doc grabbed all seven Harry Potter novels and began storing them in various pockets.

"Oh, you found a fish for the mini! Where'd you get that?"

"What?" Doc glanced towards the glow of their mini-Hound of the Baskervilles, which was gnawing on a long, greenish fish. "Oh. No, I didn't notice he had that."

"Ah. 'Cause it's . . . kinda getting fish blood all over the floor."

"Sorry, Vania. I really don't know where he got that!"

"Eh, it's been a while since a capillary towel had a cameo, anyway. We'll find one after we get back and clean up then."

* * *

Doc and Vania tracked two characters down a hallway in Hogwarts, followed by a mini-Aragog that had been created.

"A Leanne luster!" whispered Vania. "Got to give points for writing something original."

"Let's not call it 'lust' for underage schoolgirls," Doc muttered, writing down charges.

"Still, though, most people don't even know her name! She's just 'that-girl-who-was-walking-next-to-Katie-when-she-got-cursed.' Whoa! What?"

Leanne had just been smacked in the face with a fish.

"I wasn't watching the Words. What caused that, Doc?"

"I didn't catch it. Let me read it over again."

While he was doing so, Vania continued watching the students and frowned. Leanne was rubbing her nose, and the Sue had grasped her by the shoulders and was checking her face for injury. "Weird. Sues don't usually notice when their typos make stuff like that happen."

"I'm not seeing where—Raugh!" Doc jumped and flinched as a cold, wet something flopped against the side of his neck.

Vania bent down and picked up the flopping fish. "It's a salmon . . ." She shrugged.

The Sue called out in her off-timber voice. "What are you doing there? Spying on us?"

"Great. Stupid fish." Doc turned back to the first page of charges. "Carline Amanda Roberts, you are charged with—Agh, gosh darn it!" he yelled as a wet fish slapped the papers out of his hand and stuck them together. The mini-Aragog seized the fish and sunk its mandibles in.

Vania smirked. "'Gosh darn it?' Really?"

The hallway began to fill with the sound of splatters as fish began to pelt the bricks from . . . no clear source.

"Why are you doing this?" Doc asked the Sue.

"Don't look at me! My story did NOT include FISH RAIN."

"Come on!" Leanne shouted over the splats. "The Room of Requirement!"

"But you shouldn't know about that until sixth year!"

"Deal with it! I'm finally the main character in a fanfiction, and I'm milking it for all it's worth!"

* * *

As the four human characters had mutually needed a room with no fish as they approached the door to the Room of Requirement, that is exactly where they found themselves. (The mini-Aragog hadn't finished draining its fish dry yet, or it might have caused a problem.)

Yes, they found themselves in a tiny room with no fish. For about two seconds, before the salmon onslaught began again.

"They're coming from everywhere and nowhere!" Carline whined, as the spider scaled the wall behind her. Leanne was deflecting as many as she could with her wand; the agents' wands were, as predicted, useless.

"You're a Sue! Do with the plotholes or something!" Vania demanded.

"Huh? Oh, right!" Carline waved her arms and fingers in a swooshy motion. Some of the salmon began to disappear between wilvery lines in the air before they hit anyone. "Nice!" cried Carline.

But then, the salmon began bouncing in and out of the shimmers in the air, ultimately filling the small space with fish even more than before.

"Making it worse!" Doc warned.

"Ugh! Whatever." Carline threw up her hands, and the plotholes vanished. Some of the fish were tossed up into the air and landed in a web the mini-Aragog had spun.

"Yesssss, Precioussssss," the spider hissed as it closed its appendages around the flopping animal. "Tasssssty fishesssss!"

The PPC agents looked at each other. Doc turned to Carline. "For the first time in history, the PPC is requesting for you to make more typos."

Carline quirked her head. "Typos?" She glanced at her erstwhile girlfriend. "Like, Leann?"

A new mini-Aragog appeared, and immediately started to crawl up to its comrade's web.

"Whoa," said Carline. "I didn't know I could do that."

"More! Hurry!" Leanne called. "We're up to our ankles in fish!"

"And up to our noses in fish smell," Vania added.

"Uh. Dumbledoor? Minstery of Magic . . . Avada Cadaver!"

All the miniature Acromantulas set to work stringing the room with webbing. But it could only last for so long; soon, the spiders' webs began to bulge with weight, their bellies began to fill, the humans found the salmon reaching above their waists. Leanne was trying to reach the door, blasting at the thick wetness of the fish pile with her wand in order to walk.

"We have to portal back to HQ!" Vania said, digging into her pocket.

"It won't work," said Doc, shaking his head. "This is probably where the mini-Hound's fish came from."

"Oh," Vania said quietly. She had finally managed to get the RA out and above the line of sea life. "It's totally fried by all the dampness, anyway."

Suddenly, a blue doorway opened into the room. Fish began to spill out through the new entrance.

"We're saved!" Vania cried. She tried to jump for joy, but failed under the weight of the fish surrounding her legs. "SpecOps is here!"

"You are not needing Special Operations," Séverine said, stepping over the fish to show an army of agents bearing the same orange honeycombed fungus flashpatch. "The Cafeteria is here, and I understand we will all be having seafood this week."

Author's Note: Capillary towels were created by Sedri and Trojie. The Harry Potter series, Leanne, Acromantulas, Hogwarts, wands and the Room of Requirement belong to J.K. Rowling. Mini-Aragogs were created by Meir Brin. Obviously, none of the named minis in this story count as real, since they were made up by me, rather than being found in a badfic.
doctorlit: (Default)
Author's Note: This ficlet was written in response to a prompt posted to the Board by SeaTurtle: "One of your agents deals with one of their fears." It was part of a larger thread full of writing posts, which itself began as a writing game in the #rudi's room of the Discord chatroom.

Protectors of the Plot Continuum was founded by Jay and Acacia, and I write in their universe with permission. The Harry Potter series, Professor Lockhart, Defense Against the Dark Arts, and boggarts belong to J.K. Rowling. This interlude is rated G, unless you speak British English, in which case it contains a swear. This story had no beta.

* * *

"Augh, Merlin, the Professor has to be around here somewhere." Doc pulled one of Lockhart's larger portraits away from the wall to glance behind it.

"Have you noticed," Vania asked, "that you have a tendency to imitate the local speech style whenever we go somewhere?"

"I don't know what you're bloody talking about."

"Right." Vania rolled her eyes and continued checking the drawers of Lockhart's desk. "Why does this guy need so many copies of his own books?"

Doc dramatically threw open the door panels of a large cupboard in the back of the room. "Hey, I think I found the plothole! I can hear something . . ." He peered closely into the darkness.

A tumbling cloud rose into the air around his head, buzzing furiously.

"Aaaaaah! It was beeeeees!" Doc started a frantic run around the entire Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom, flailing his arms in the air while the insect swarm pursued. "I thought it was a ploooooothole but it was only beeeeees!" Doc ended by flinging himself out of the huge window that dominated one wall of the classroom. The bees returned to the cabinet while Doc called, "Aaaaaah! Castles are actually kind of shaaaaaarp in placeeeeees. I feel like I should have knoooooown this alreadyyyyyyy . . ."

Vania gently closed the drawer she had just opened and started heading for the cupboard, a thoughtful look on her face. "You know, I can't for the life of me . . ." She frowned. "I just can't recall what my worst fear is."

She peered into the shadows of the cupboard.

". . . Huh. So that's what a boggart looks like."

* * *

Author's Note: Obviously, it's not entirely appropriate for a PPC agent to have knowledge of something that's never appeared in canon, like the actual appearance of a boggart. Don't worry; Vania will never tell.

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