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Author's Note: Written during this game of Fill the Plothole. All Harry Potter elements belong to J.K. Rowling. The original fanfiction has been deleted.

"Setting Severus Snape Up" by Azuria Asiyarana Annabellah
Harry, Ron and Hermione have decided to place an advertisement in the Daily Prophet under the Singles' Column. Their mission: To find a perfect lady companion for their Potions Teacher, the one and only Severus Snape. But things soon get out of control!

“Blimey,” breathed Ron, peeking out from behind the curtain. “Look at all the applicants!”

“Who would have thought so many women would be interested in dating Snape?” wondered Hermione.

“Well,” said Harry, “we did make him sound rather more . . . appealing than he really is.” He turned to his friends. “You guys ready for this? It’s time for part two of Operation: Mellowing out the Git.” Hermione and Ron nodded, and Ron pulled the curtains fully open.

The Room of Requirement had provided them with a simple table set with three chairs; Professor Snape’s potential dates were lining up from outside. The three students took their seats, and Harry called the first name on the list. “Sybill . . . Trelawney? Professor, what are you doing here?”

Professor Trelawney pushed through the crowd. "Oh! Oh, Harry! I saw—yes, I saw—I was meant to come here, I came to warn you, yes! A great danger—"

“Next.”

“Evil shall beset you from—"

“Neeeeext.”

“Darkness is—”

“Hem-Hem.”

Professor Trelawney spun and shrunk away from the woman standing behind her.

Harry narrowed his eyes. “Umbridge.”

“I believe you mean Professor Umbridge, Harry dear.”

“D’you really think we would say yes to you? After everything you did last year?”

Umbridge took on a look of mock sorrow. “I only did what I had to in support of the Ministry. I’m sure there are no hard feelings.”

“Next.”

Umbridge pouted and turned around, driving Professor Trelawney before her as she left.

Hermione took the list of names. “Is there a Miss—of the West?”

“Oh, please, just call me Elphaba.”

Ron’s mouth gaped. “Your skin is—smooth!” He had changed what he was going to say when Harry’s foot had kicked him under the table.

Hermione looked confused as well. “Why are you dressed like—well, like a witch?”

“Oh? How do you mean?” asked Elphaba, spreading her robes and coughing. “These were gifts from a friend. I am a witch, though.” She coughed again.

“Are you okay?” asked Hermione. “Here. Have some water.” She conjured a glass cup and filled it.

Elphaba’s face drained to a paler green. “Oh, I’m quite all right. Thank you anyway.” She edged away from the table.

“Oh, no, please! Help yourself,” Hermione replied, holding the glass out to the woman.

Elphaba only backed away faster, heading for the door. “Um, actually, I . . . I just remembered, I need to go . . . meet someone! Sorry!”

The three students watched her go. “Well,” said Ron, “that was . . . Who’s next?”

“I am,” said a woman in a dark blue coat and skirt, holding an umbrella. “Mary Poppins, practically perfect in every way.”

“Miss Poppins, your submission says you’re a nanny,” Harry said. “Are you good with children?”

“Most certainly.”

The three friends looked at each other. “That won’t do,” said Hermione. “Snape hates children.”

“Well, I certainly don’t hate children,” began Mary Poppins, “but I never said I particularly liked them. I think one needs to treat children strictly, so that they learn what’s proper.”

“Never mind Snape, then,” Ron stated. “Let’s introduce her to Filch instead.”

A voice squawked out, “Don’t you believe a word of it! She loves each and every child she’s ever cared for! Why, you should have seen—” The voice was silenced as Mary closed two fingers over the beak of a plastic parrot’s head on the handle of her umbrella.

“That’s quite enough of that, thank you,” she said quietly.

“Blimey,” said Ron as he leaned over the table. “I wish Dad were here. He’d love to see a charmed umbrella!”

“Pardon?” asked Mary. “Charmed?”

“To make it talk like that!”

“Now, young man, you’re certainly old enough not to be telling ridiculous tales about talking umbrellas.’

Ron and his friends exchanged puzzled glances. Hermione said, “Your umbrella was just talking, ma’am. We all saw it. It was magic!”

“Well, goodness gracious,” Mary said, opening the umbrella above her head. “And here I thought you seemed such nice young people. If you’re going to go on and on about silly make-believe magic, I shall simply have to leave.” With that, she flew out the door.

Ron stared at the door in puzzlement as another candidate pushed into the room.

“Hi, Vampire!”

Harry banged his forehead against the desk. “I give up. We’re closing down.”

Author's Note: The Elphaba incarnation of the Wicked Witch was developed by Gregory Maguire, although the character was originally created by L. Frank Baum. Mary Poppins was created by P.L. Travers and belongs to her estate. Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way belongs to Tara Gilesbie.

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